nat!

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August 30, 2010

written by a good old friend

I used to think that human relationships pivot on our individual capacities to transcend flaws. That is: we are capable of being inspired to change who we are for another. While this, along with the sincere intent that drives it, remains a key element of genuine human relations, I have learnt the hard way that there must be something more than that.

You see, as people, we are appointed by default as the main proponents of our own stories. We are flattered by the feeling of empowerment that comes from action and the causality that ensues. We convince ourselves that our relationships last because we choose to be better people, and as a result become deserving participants in it. But once in a while, life throws a wild card that catches us off-guard and really tests if we’re made of stern stuff. If, really, we deserve the relationships we’ve built.

That challenge is called disappointment. When we realize that our capacity to transcend comes with a capacity to falter. When we find that what used to be empowerment has become helplessness. And when we discover that our flaw-transcending nature is a flawed pivot-point for relationships.

Ironically, it is in this helplessness, in disappointment, where the true-pivot point of human relationships stands the best chance to be discovered. That true-pivot point is forgiveness.

I recall the wisdom of the theatrical play “Sinta!” many years after I first saw it, as its narrator, Matanglawin, poetically says,

“Mayroong isang hiwaga, paliwanag ay wala,
Sinong makakaunawa, sa pagbagsak ng mga tala?
Bakit pa ba kailangan ang binhi ay matabunan,
Pagluksaan ng ulan, bago maging halaman?
Bakit pa ba kailangang madapa ka’t magalusan,
Tikman pati kamatayan, bago sumayang lubusan?

“Ako ay nagugulumihanan. Hindi ko alam ang kasagutan.
Ngunit akin naranasan, Ito’y may katotohanan.
Kaya ko nga hinayaang sila’y mangagalusan,
Kahit muli kong maranasan ang hapdi nang masugatan.”

In the midst of disappointment, we make the defining decisions of our relationships. Do we feel the pain of being disappointed, or of disappointing? And are we ready to endure even greater pain in forgiving, or seeking forgiveness? Because only through these pains do we validate our commitment to any relationship. Only through our willingness to sacrifice can our love be truly measured.

When we lose our way—not if, but when we lose our way— it is not our confidence that we can change for the better that sustains our relationships, but our humility in admitting our weakness, and in seeking and granting forgiveness. The inspiration to change for the better is but an offshoot of this humility.

When you find your true love, love with a recklessness knowing fully what you can lose. And forgive and seek forgiveness with humility that is almost holy, trusting the happiness you can gain.

Put your heart in your most valued relationship. It will be among the most important decisions of your life. If you are lucky, it will be broken. For only then can it be made whole again by forgiveness.

— Jor-el Soyangco

Put your heart in your most valued relationship. It will be among the most important desicions of your life. If you are lucky, it will be broken. For only then can it be made whole again by forgiveness.